11 Days Later - Emo Kid Attitude

9:42 am

I feel like a whiny-ass emo kid. "Oh the world is such a dark and horrible place wah wah whoa is me". But it's how i'm feeling, and i'm not trying very hard to NOT feel this way.

11 days later, I got choked up this morning driving to work. Just about the isolation really, nothing specific. The cramps are super minor at this point (knock on wood). The antibiotic prescription I had was for 7 days, but i've started taking my tetracycline prescription (which i got for breakouts) to make sure that whatever is going on inside isn't going to get infected. I've had 2 fevers since the surgery and it really freaked me out.

Last night's nightmare was about Michelle Obama. I guess I was trying to act cool in front of her but instead I made a fool of myself. And you've seen her face...that girl could stare anyone down and make them cry. She's intense.

I was hoping just a night of watching Mad Men on DVD with Joey would suffice for any quality time and distract from my demeanor, but apparently not: before going to sleep Joey started asking me why i was so distant, what was wrong, how i shuoldn't keep secrets (all of this stemming from some crappy actions that Chandler did 2 weeks ago), etc. I felt awful. This isn't his fault. He deserves a wife who isn't wrapped up in her own world. And i can't keep using anxiety as my excuse. So i tried my best to suck it up and ask him about work, etc, but trying to feign interest in anything right now is like asking me to do one of those strongman competitions. After 2 barrels, my entire body is depleted of anything and I just want to collapse into a heap on the floor.

Plus i'm worried every time he hugs me, etc, that he's going to want some. i want NOTHING right now, i want to numb every part of me. let alone that i CANT do anything anyway, but even if i could i think i would just lay there and pray for it to be over. Ever since i became pregnant, i've felt dissociated from myself physically.

It's weird too, laying on the couching watching the DVD, he'd rub my arm, reach my hand, etc, and i'm just so used to Chandler's skin it's like the difference between someone who's done hard labor their whole life vs. someone who gets a paraffin hand treatment each night. Joey's skin is softer than mine, and it actually kind of creeps me out. Like a girl is holding my hand or something. I dunno, I guess i just like my men...more manly. I wonder how much of the soft skin thing is because Joey has lowered testosterone? To feel safe, i need rough guy arms around me, nothing delicate.

And now i'm the biggest asshole because this is the stuff I think about. I have a husband who loves me and WANTS to be there for me, who sends me Tiffany's to my work to surprise me, and all I want to do is lock myself in my room like a teenager and cry over how much I hate my life.

On the other side of the spectrum is Chandler, and his email this morning to me is so ridiculously sweet it's slathered in sugar.

You are the most important person in my life.

If I could choose to do 1 thing everyday for the rest of my life, it would be to lay down to sleep next to everynight and know you were happy I was there.

But Id give that up, along with all of my wishes and dreams to be able to take away the pain that you are feeling now.
Anything you need from me. some help running errands.....maybe just to listen...or to..to give you a hug...come see me


You'd think having two wonderful-but-in-different-ways guys loving you would be fantastic, but really I feel like i'm screwing them both over of what htey want. I don't feel worthy. And I wasn't happy for years in my marriage with Joey, but I also wasn't happy for the past while with Chandler. I felt like i was desperate to make THEM happy. And when you're that close to two guys, things start to overlap. The number of times that Chandler would say something that he told me he liked or wanted, and i'd be like "really? since when?" only 'cause i'd have his needs confused with Joey's needs. Or in a fight with Joey, i'd reach out the way I reach out for Chandler in fights, but that's a huge no-no. Eventually I just wished for a mental cheat-sheet for each of them, I could no longer keep track of what was right in one situation vs. another. Imagine two jobs, two different employers two different sets of rules...

After the abortion, i just couldn't handle it anymore. The one i'm in now is the one i'm in, period. And i'm not pursuing another one until this oen is over. And if i'm too scared to truly follow through (sort of wish i had a year ago when i said it, now i'm just another year older) then that's tough luck for me.

I have a 2 hour company-wide meeting in half an hour, and i want nothing more right now than to run ot my car and start bawling.

Today probably won't shape up to be a good day.

1:52 pm

Sigh, today has been a pointless day. As are all days, really. I'm so over life.

I just spent 10 mins on the phone with my friend's other bridesmaid who recently gave birth chatting about C-sections. Fortunately she's funny ("I'd rather get my belly cut than that spot down south if ya know what i mean! f*ck that sh*t!") but still...the word "pregnant" makes my heart absolutely stop.

When you're pregnant, you have something to look forward to. Being pregnant but not having anything to look forward to...maybe if the instant you got the surgery the symptoms left too it'd be one thing but because you still have pregnancy symptoms even a week later, it really effs with your psyche. Like your body is preparing for a housewarming but doesn't know there's no guests. Your body has no idea that you'd stripped it of the fetus/embryo. So it's still cooking, cleaning, folding new sheets all in prep for a guest that never arrives.

Oh geezus i did NOT just imagine whatever they sucked/scraped out of me in some jar for testing/analysis, and then later burning with other hazardous medical waste.

I can feel "replacement baby syndrome" kicking in. That's not a good sign.


Someone posted asking if they can post the link to this blog on another site, here was my reply:
lol "Placenta Sandwich"...that's awesome.

Don't apologize for the long comment, it's not like i have that many people to talk about this to so any positive comments are a Godsend!

And fo' sho, you can post this blog tot he list. I can't imagine it being all that useful considering I wallow like i'm a Twilight Bella Wannabe, but go for it!

This whole experience has drained me both emotionally and physically. It's not even 3pm and I'm wiped. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. And forget.

It seems there's two branches of extremists out there when it comes to people who've had it done.
You have the types that do it, it sucks, but you get over it. I guess in those cases it helps if the reason you can't is really, really strong (like risk of your health, child's health, you and your spouse both agree that it's just not something the whole family can handle, you're 16 and your parents would put you in a body bag like mine would have).

Then there's the types who obsess to the point of remember the day of the abortion, the day it would have been born, naming it, etc. There's no way in hell i'm coming up with a name. I briefly for a day when I believed it would have been a boy I thought "Connor", not because i would have named him that, but that ws the name of Scott Peterson's unborn son when he killed Lacy and the morbidity of the whole thing just stuck with me. You won't see me saying "mommy loves you" autosignatures, etc.

I'mn ot knocking those who do, i'm just saying, there seems to be extremes even within the "club" of people who've had abortions.

What about those of us in the middle...those that know we didn't really have much choice butw e sorta still did, that we're gripping with the guilt of doing something we thought we were okay with, and that we're trying as best we can to be cool cats amidst the internal anguish?

I don't know what i'm babbling about anymore. I want to get out and drink.


Anonymous said...

There are extremes.

I don't fit either.

I have had two abortions. One when I was 17 and in no way ready to make any real life altering decisions (and I do not regret this abortion at all!!) and another when I was 25, in a very committed relationship but so fucked up on OTC diet pills that I knew I couldn't continue the pregnancy, whether I was ready or not (and NOT ready really, I was a mess...). The only guilt I have over that is now that I have married the guy who was involved in that abortion and we are way more stable than we were six years ago...well I want a baby badly and he isn't yet ready. And I think well I could have a five year old now. But really we could have fucked up our relationship if we had that child. Not counting fucking up that child with the diet pills (which he doesn't know about).

I at least had the support of my partner 24 hours a day seven days a week (well except for work obligations)for the first months after the abortion. He was able to walk the dogs, do the heavy lifting and take care of me. I wish you had the support. If I wanted to cry, I could, though we never really talked about the abortion for so long.

This is going to be long because I am kind of just randomly talking about. I don't remember the date of that abortion (though I do the first) and I don't remember the due date, though I think it was right about now, which is probably why I am drawn to your diary. You are writing things I pretty much felt way back when. I don't remember much, I remember it was awful. And I know it happened in March and in June I had a major breakdown, but I got over it. I went berserk for awhile because I didn't allow myself to really mourn what I did. After the breakdown, I spent some time reconnecting with myself and now I don't think about it.

I think about having a baby ALL THE TIME. But it is because I am 31 and ready. Not because I want to replace the baby (babies??) I aborted. I get jealous of young people who seem to have it so easily, those people who don't even seem to think about it and pop out kids like it is no big deal. And I am jealous of my 25 year old self to be able to have that choice.

You really will get over this. I can't stress that enough. You might, like me, have this total mental break, but it will get better. I promise. Please allow yourself to feel bad NOW, and do something good for yourself. Even if you don't feel like it, you are worth it. This might be the kick in the butt you need to decide what you want to do with your marriage. Or it might not.

Sorry this is so long, it was kind of stream of consciousness typing.

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