Eff you Trey and Matt

Really South Park? Really? 3rd episode of the season, I watch intensely for the hidden alien to enter your contest, and a running joke is about abortions? About some chick last week who claimed she's addicted to abortions (since I was so busy worrying about my own, I didn't even pay attention to this news story). There was one abortion joke that make me laugh a bit, but otherwise I just sat there thinking "seriously...my fav show...and you HAD to do a running gag about Cartman being a 7 year old obsessed with abortions? you had to show an aborted baby in Stan's arms?"

Is there one day that can go by where I'm not reminded of this????

This evening the cramps came back. BAD. Maybe 'cause I was drinking. No, wait, I wasn't drinking when the cramps started. That's why i started drinking. I also started drinking because I was supposed to hang out with Joey, and well...the abortion, the breakup with Chandler...The sad thing is that I don't particularly ENJOY hanging out with Joey. I mean, I just don't look forward to it. Which is awful, he's perfectly pleasant and nice when we hang out.

I guess the thing with Chandler is...if everything else around me has some sort of haze, being in his presence I felt a sense of clarity. Like i'm swimming all the time, but the only moment i'm not underwater with that filter on is when i'm around him and i'm up getting air. That being said, i also tiptoed around him and feared his anger like a mofo. When he's hurt or angry or whatever, he'll spin and twist and you're so desperate to catch up to what he's saying, it becomes him asking a question and you're like "yes...no...wait...what was the question? I'm so confused!"

Sigh. My ideal guy has the sense of responsibility, maturity, and professionalism that my husband has combined with the passion, attraction, and connection that I get from Chandler.

So it seems this blog is now about the post-abortion effects combined with the breakup of one of the potential baby daddies. Lovely.

It's so funny that in the grand scheme, my relationship with them (yay thank you therapy) is like that of my father: calm and cool overall, but when their temper blows, run for your life. It's always there, lurking in the background, waiting to surface, and i'm forced to tiptoe to ensure I never set off that anger bomb.
Even though with Chandler, I found *I* was the one getting physical, purely out of frustration that I'd never met someone who never let me get a word in edgewise and all I did was defend myself, it seems like every other sentence was some sort of accusation, right down to whether I ignored him if I didn't reply to a text within a 5 minute time span.

But the differences, they're night and day.
My husband Joey loves to see me all dolled up. Skirts, makeup, matching bra/panties. Sex is awkward at best, surrounded by rules of sound and minimal nail usage. He has his own friends and can do his own thing while I do mine. My friends adore him.

Whereas Chandler prefers the tshirt/jeans route, seems to think I look great without makeup, and I've worn granny panties and he still rips them off like they're La Perla thongs. Sex is mind numbingly incredible, as is our friendship...i tell him even the most mundane parts of my day that I would never tell Joey because, frankly, i don't think Joeygives a crap or pays attention. But since moving to OC i've been his best girlfriend AND guy friend, which put so much pressure on me...I can't be one person's all. It sets me up to fail. And the smoking...GOD if there was one habit i wish he'd get rid of, it's the smoking. I wish I had known he smoked before I ever kissed him. Before i fell for him.

For some reason I had this epiphany: it would have been a boy. Dont' ask me why. Especially since I would have wanted a girl. But suddenly I just had this inkling...it was a boy. I had a baby boy. Maybe this is the nutty psycho girl in me speaking, but I just know it. I know it.

Maybe I'll feel better after June 11-14th which seems to be the anticipated due date. As Chandler noted, it would have been a Gemini.

I need to stop associating a personality to something that i only had for 5 weeks and only knew about for two.