Physical Symptoms, 5 days after surgery

I feel like yesterday was the peak of all the symptoms. The cramping was so, so bad last night.

Today I actually feel physically sort of...un-pregnant. I definitely am not peeing every ten seconds, and I don't feel as puffy. I look back at the picture of me from 2 Saturdays ago, and I looked like someone punched me in the face, made me eat a ton of salt, then drink a boatload of water. I lookedl ike The Hulk.

I'm also not as hungry as before, even though obviously I have a whole other level of anxiety and depression to deal with.

I guess I figured before that the body changes were minimal because other than no period and a teenie bladder, I really saw little changes. Oh my boobs felt heavier. Not bigger...just...heavier. But now in hindsight i'm like, holy crap. I was making another HUMAN. Like, there was a little dude inside of me. That takes up a lot of your bodily resources.

Why do I miss the "little dude" so much all of a sudden? There's been times in my life where I gave up things of value to me without thinking. I took such wonderful care of my toys, but for $20 I got rid of a collection that now would be worth thousands. All i have left is my Curious George doll (which I wish I had with me the day I got it done, i've had him since i was born), my Cabbage Patch Doll (with her original diaper, i never took that off), and my Whitney doll (eff Barbie. her friend Whitney so was so, so much prettier). I regret having gotten rid of that collection, and for the past 12 years I have been desperately trying to rebuild that collection via ebay, but not so easy when you want stuff in mind or MIP condition because that's how your collection would have been as a kid.

That collection of toys meant a lot to me because I grew up in a tumultuous household, and I remember when I played with those toys I was in my own world, and my parents drama/violence didn't impact me. It was my buffer, my escape. I never, ever should have gotten rid of something so precious to me. WHY did my mother let me sell them?! She shoul dhave just handed me the $20 and then secretely kept them for me.

(don't cry don't cry don't cry)

Now...it's kind of the same feeling. Like something isn't right. I gave up something important. And i know my rationale at the time when i was a kid, I know obviously my rationale for doing it, but it still feels like something is missing now.

I was reponsible for protecting those wonderful toys, and now they're probably in a dumpster or covered in pen marks. It breaks my heart.

I was responsible for the growth of something inside of me, and I took a needle to it and sucked it out.

I WAS A MOTHER. FOR FIVE WEEKS...I WAS A MOTHER.

yes, i'm going nutty.