9 Days Later

4:00 am

Why am I awake....

Joey had a bach party to go to, and during that time I went to talk to Chandler...it was really, really good. Like a totally different side to him. To both of us...him realizing that i have to do mything, and for me to just break down and be honest about how much i'm hurting from the abortion. He was like "i had no idea the sadness and pain, you hide it so well...but now i see it in your eyes".

On the way home, I was annoyed because it was 3:30am, I had to drive another guy home too, both of them were drunk and retarded. Joey rarely drinks,b ut when he does, he's obnoxious. I guess everyone is when they're drunk. It got to the point where i SCREAMED at both him and our friend to stfu because they were irritating the crap out of me, and I was cramping so bad. I had chugged like 5 glasses of diet green tea and my bladder was ready to burst almost 8 hours later. Which resulted in extreme cramping in my girly parts, the usual from the abortion.

Maybe what i needed was the hug I got from Chandler today, the reassurance that i did what was best, that he harbors no ill-will against me for anything.

Sigh in the end, we're all a little fucked up.

Right now this second I feel like i'm "over" the abortion issues but realistically...i'm sure by around 11am I'll be a basketcase again. I really, really was looking forward to Joey being out of the house so i could just kick back and CRY all day, but it turns out he's canceling his plans as a result of the anticipated hangover. That's the problem with marriage. You're never alone. You get married so you're never alone.

Sometimes, you just want ot be alone. And when you have nowhere to go, you find yourself crying during your shower, or when blowdrying your hair, or the little trips in the car to the grocery store. My house has zero privacy. Hell, if you're a teenager going through this you could cry in your room and your parents would just believe whatever teen angst story you give them. When you're married, it's all about that openness crap. Saying "i don't want to talk about it" isn't an option. In fact, just trying to hide and be left alone isn't an option.

Thing is, Joey is a good guy. He spent the entire ride repeating how thankful he was that i picked him up, despite me saying that it's my job as a wife to do that. He loves me with all of his heart. My friends think he's fantastic. Sigh. But when it comes to the logistics of daily life, that's where we fall flat. Oh, as well as the bedroom stuff.

Oh a word to the wise to anyone who's had an abortion: even after pregnancy hormones are gone, a new wave of hormones kick in. I call them the "let's make another baby!" hormones. I feel like i'm one step from clubbing a guy caveman-style and getting nasty in order to get all his juices. It's amazing I didn't chain Chandler down when I saw him tonight (sigh, as always, there's an intense physical connection), but as much as I have this incredible drive, i also don't want to do anything that will ruin my girly part gotta wait 2 weeks after plus a thumbs-up before that happens and I have this fear that i won't enjoy it the same anymore anyway and damn if I didn't enjoy it with Chandler to the nth degree.

Yes folks, you heard it. I want to have a baby. Bad. Something in me tonight just kicked in high gear. I can't explain it. It's like after hanging out with Chandler and getting to talk about some of my feelings, my biological clock took steroids and blew up.

Lemme tell you: pregnancy is nuts on your body and mind. Nuts.



Seriously, the inability to just wallow and process has to be done uninterrupted or at least, in private.

This morning, wanting to just vent and unload here, but that's when Joey came up and plopped himself down next to me on the bed to watch tv. And I can't say "uh don't look at my screen". So then what happens is that I shove everything down, or at the very least I keep it from bubbling to the surface, but then something will trigger the intense pain and I literally am drawing blood from digging my nails into the palms of my hands.

I love my husband. i do. He's a great guy. But I find myself not really enjoying time together, i find him annoying me, and I long to just have time alone. But maybe that's just me, becuase my parents lead the most independent non-marriage lives (well...my mom being at home alone miserable, my dad tending to his religious causes and my relatives)...i would sooner plan trips with friends than plan one with him.

So out of guilt, I make even more plans with him, becuase i don't want him to THINK i don't want ot spend time with him.

My confession is that when I said i would give it one last shot, I never wanted to turn down anything intimate with him despite the numerous times i did NOT want to (minus maybe severe exhaustion)...because then that's not making efforts...really the reason I never wanted to and don't want to is becuase it just plain sucks. And I know it's not all me. There's an incompatibility that makes it seem like a monkey is having sex with a rhino. That's about as attractive as i feel when stuff is going on. Anyway, i was so upset for years over the state of our sex life relative to babymaking that i pointed this out when i asked for a divorce. So then when i agreed to make ti work again, it seemed fair to me that i better be open whenever he wanted (figuring it would be like once a year, as usual). Well, he did want it a few more times than I expected, and it resulted in me feeling like an absolute whore because I was still doing stuff with Chandler.

The confession part: i had come back from doing stuff with Chandler, and 2 hours later Joey is trying to get it on...and I"m trying to hint that i do NOT want to do that, but I didn't want to bruise his ego lead to a fight blah blah so I did it. TWO HOURS difference. I wanted to vomit when Joey was all commenting how wet i was. Umm, no...that was probably leftover from Chandler.

I am disgusted with myself on so many levels that this type of thing happened over the course of the past few months. And that's also why I couldn't have a baby...even if I knew the father, i'm not okay with my baby swimming around in the juices of another guy. Or being exposed to another guy's penis. I know, it's not like it matters to the kid, but it's just wrong on even more levels.

I so badly wanted each of them to feel loved, but in doing so I did things that made me feel one step away from a teenage thai hooker. And neither of them knew...Chandler was always under the impression taht Joey and I didn't do stuff, which for the most part was true. It's more like, in the past recent while he's been trying to be all mister romantic, and wtf kind of wife am I if i reject my husband when he's trying to be romantic...despite having 0 interest in it? I hate feeling like i was deceiving Chandler...it's one thing to cheat on your husband, but usually the guy you're cheating WITH has full disclosure, and i didn't know how to tell him that it had upped from once a year to maybe once a month. Ugh. The stress of it weighed heavily on me.

This abortion was a wakeup call for sure.


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