Almost one week since the surgery

It's 2am, I stayed up to get the work done that i should have done months/weeks/days ago. I didn't even send it off for review. GOD i'm praying for the best. I can't deal with people telling me what to do right now, I'm struggling so bad.

The funny thing is, I looked up how my religion views abortion...my religion doesn't let me do jack. I couldn't wear shorts or tank tops as a kid...can't eat pork...can't do ANYTHING. But...according to my religion, it's bad to end life. But it doesn't recognize that something at just 5 weeks is a life since there's no heartbeat, etc. Phew, no religious worries, although I did drink alcohol the night before the abortion and that's a big no-no.

I want to stop imagining what "he" would have looked like.
I want to stop imagining what "he" would have lookedl ike in either Joey or Chandler's arms.
I want to stop thinking about buying clothes for "him".
I want to stop feeling like I was supposed to protect "him"...that he wasn't able to survive on "his" own, but "he" needed me...and i tossed "him" aside, i violently got rid of "him".

Yeah this is NOT healthy. I know.

And i'm here, 2am, bawling...for getting rid of something I so, so badly wished for last year...how things would have been so so different if this were a year ago...

I started to believe that having a child would make me complete. .Would make my life complete. After awhile, you start to realize that working every day, doing the same stuff with friends, adventures or not, everything seems pretty shallow in the grand scheme, but having a family, having children, having a legacy...that to me meant I could bring my life meaning. That maybe it would fill the void that's been inside of me for so, so long.

Again, not a healthy way to view things.

GOD...i've never been the motherly type. People hand me babies and I just look awkward. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. So why is this biological clock ticking SO DAMN LOUD????

I read that one common feeling after an abortion is an intense desire to get pregnant again. I was starting to wonder if I was weird for feeling that way. But yes...this biological clock is ticking louder and louder, and that's a huge source of the anxiety. It's like getting this done kickstarted a race, and i need need need to get pregnant before it's too late.

Don't know how that's gonna happen since sex is the last thing I'll ever want for the rest of my life.

Also don't know how that's gonna happen when I can't even figure out my own damn love life.

I sometimes wish I had never met Chandler, then I'd never know that closeness, that bond. I've never had that with a guy before. I am a FIRM believer that ignorance is bliss. He became one of my best friends, which I've never viewed my husband as my best friend.

I've always been known as the "most unmarried married person" according to friends. At first it was cool, i dug that I wasn't a smug married chick as viewed by my single friends. But now...I don't like that. I want to be loving and sweet and give kisses at friends' barbecues or still get all sexy and flirty years later. It just doesn't seem natural to do that with Joey though...we're friends, but we operate like roommates most of the time. Roommates who have a history and a deep love for each other...but no passion, and definitely no chemistry.

I did a random poll with some people I knew, when they have big news where in the queue does their husband fall...apparently i'm the weird one. When something big happens, there's like 5 other people that i usually tell first, and then maybe mention it to Joey when i get home from work. That's apparently not normal.

But in the grand scheme, i place SECURITY as highest priority. THat means ensuring whatever it takes to not live in a cardboard box. Homelessness scares the crap out of me. Not sure WHY, other than my parents always worrying about money which years later I've discovered we live poor only because my father gave a ton of money to religious stuff...but we were fine financially (i mean, "fine"...not rolling in it, and we didn't live in a huge house, but my parents were fantastic with being frugal and sh*t got paid off quickly. A 30 year home loan paid off in 10 years). I briefly was jobless and homeless, but I was also in a country where I couldn't legally flip burgers. That's different now. And I have friends who would take me in before I ever sleep in my car.

Of which, when a few friends found out that after fights with Joey i would sleep in my car, they FLIPPED OUT and insisted I never do that again. I promised them i wouldn't, but to be honest...i would never take them up on their offer at 1am to crash on their couch. What do I hate most? Being a burden.

Meanwhile, back at security...that is a huge issue for me when it comes to a future baby daddy...I used to think Joey was in a fickle industry, but in hindsight he's done exceptionally well career-wise during the course of our relationship. So then...why do I still question his ability as a father?

Is it because there's a difference between SECURITY and PROTECTION?

Meh, enough whining from me. time for bed.