Hard, hard day to get through

And now...a week ago at this time...i was sans child.

Why are breakups so effing hard. Why can't it be like a business transaction.

What am I supposed to tell Chandler, how I pictured him as a father constantly, how I pictured him still wanting to touch me even if i'm 60lbs overweight, how he'd protect me and make sure i wasn't doing something like walking alone at night...

But I have to think big picture.

Big picture is that while i get my sh*t figured out with my marriage, having him wait is wrong on so many levels. It's selfish. And if the next love of his life comes along, then it's not my place to make him be oblivious to her.

I wanted him to set me free so that I could assess my marriage without the blinders of him, without the bias, without being able to compare.

I wanted to know that if/when i ever end this marriage, it wasn't because i could go running to Chandler. I wanted to feel the anger that i feel at home and the helplessness without next minute feeling better because Chandler said something sweet.

Hell, I want to be ablet ob e sexuallyf rustrated without knowing that I can turn to Chandler to take care of that.

But really, I need to be the one to set him free. Not for him to set me free. It's not about putting the onus on him. it's that my hold on him, begging HIM to set me free just then allows me to still love and hope he won't. I need to set him free so he can finally move on, so he can have peace, so he can have the 100% relationship he wants. I can't even begin to imagine him being able to give all of himself to a chick...he would be the envy of every other chick.

You can't put a human being on "hold" like a library book. And it's not my place to ask him to do it to himself.

Two guys made one whole relationship which for obvious reasons isn't right. And i played russian roulette with the pregnancy, thinking it wasn't a big deal.

I don't care how much you dont' have a maternal bone in your body or how pro-choice you are: Abortion is a big fucking deal.

You'll be in a fog the moment you find out, a fog when you schedule it, a fog when you tell the baby daddy(or potential one), and you'll be in a fog when you go in.

Until it actually does happen.

And somehow, you end up back in a fog, because now you're in some exclusive private club you never wanted to be in.

I can't imagine how other relationships can possibly survive this. Right now, i'm so angry at him for going on and on about his pain and all that. which yeah, makes me a selfish bitch. But is it so bad to ask for TWENTY FOUR HOURS where it's about me and my uterus? Within hours of it, it felt like it was about his anxiety and his fear of losing me/us, that i didn't get the "hold me and let me cry" crap that seems justified after that. I got the arguing and defending myself, to the point where a massive gush of blood came out of me and my stomach started cramping.

I relied on him to be my escape for crappy things in my life, but for that i relied on him to be my rock when he said he'd be there and drive me. Knowing that I had to be cool outside the walls of the condo, i hoped that inside those walls was the safehouse for everything I needed to feel, that the mask of "abortion? me? no!" taken off was okay.

I know he didn't have a guidebook. But dammit, there's stuff online on how to behave for this crap. And i'd say "put your own issues aside when she's curled up in a ball on your bed and just wrap your arms around her without letting your hands get frisky so she feels safe despite wanting to go into the corner and die".

Oh that's another thing...any men reading this, be prepared that despite what she looks like, guaranteed she should be on suicide watch.