12 Days Later - cramps? Still? Really?

1:30 pm

Mild cramping this morning.

The medical clinic called and said that they need to reschedule my follow-up appointment to this Friday, instead of Monday, which is SO much better. I just want that chapter closed. I never want to see that clinic again. Plus the girl who called me sounded so much like a moron I thought it was a prank call. She did the "i'm here to call about your appointment...regarding the visit you had on the 16th...." trying to be all stealth.

A comment left here: I think about having a baby ALL THE TIME. But it is because I am 31 and ready. Not because I want to replace the baby (babies??) I aborted. I get jealous of young people who seem to have it so easily, those people who don't even seem to think about it and pop out kids like it is no big deal. And I am jealous of my 25 year old self to be able to have that choice.

This nails it. Being in your 30s, looking back on yourself years later wondering wtf you were thinking, thinking you had all the time in the world, that you want to enjoy your selfish years while you can. I didn't get anything out of those years, i didn't go to Italy like i've always wanted, I didn't go on crazy benders (not any more than my friends with kids), I didn't do jack. All that time that could have been spent building a family. And people say that they want to "enjoy" years of marriage, etc before having kids...whatever. I wish now i had cranked them out while things were still good, when the act of making babies was fun and enjoyable.

Thanks to some stuff Chandler did 2 weeks ago, Joey is in freakout mode...last night i got drilled about secrets and him feeling bad. Which then leads me to have to spend a ton of time with him and all that. Which a wife should do. Just right now, I want to curl up in a ball on the bed and read Real Simple/Wired/InStyle and let my brain be distracted for awhile...alone.

GOD please don't let him want to do stuff tonight.

I want to be married to him...i want us to have fun again...i just don't care to be physical with him.

I don't know if that's because things really aren't good, or if it's because I'm NOT one to do multiple dudes, and being with Chandler i feel loyalty to him when being physical, so much that when my husband leans over to kiss me, i feel guilty. That's jacked up. I need to know: does it make me cringe because i wish i were with Chandler, or does it make me cringe because we just aren't compatible, period?

I'm an evil, evil person.

Today's crying session almost started when i was driving to get my haircut at lunch. Really it just stemmed from not being happy. Happy people don't get abortions (do they?).

I know we work to live, but where i live is very expensive and the insurances required to keep where i live, and thus, really i'm living to work.

An abortion definitely puts your life in perspective.

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3:10 pm

So one thing that was important to me before all this drama was to learn to just speak your mind rather than bottle things in, letting them fester, letting them grow in size, creating resentment. To just say if something hurts you, and if the person doesn't like it well..you said it at least. How they react is their problem.

Tried that today with Chandler over some stuff from last night. made the mistake of actually providing an example when he asked. Silly silly me. It got turned into stuff i wasn't doing, how he wishes he heard praise, etc. Not even addressing the original concern. And the killer part is that he always says how he doesn't want people hiding things for months and him not knowing, how "just tell me!"...how he doesn't want me to tiptoe or be afraid to speak to him...unsure why I have all this stuff i've never told him out of fear...

His reply is exactly why. And it's exactly why I was unhappy, and why it wouldn't work out. It was a great wakeup call.

While I appreciated him listening to me about the abortion, and it helped me tremendously, it's pretty clear that I need to clam up and take it from here alone. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle this abortion crap combined with having to tiptoe and repress anytime i'm hurt. Even as a friend.

It seems that the men in my life over the years are only interested in things when they're good, or if they're crappy then crappy about something unrelated to them. If there was ever a commonality in the types of guys i've dated/married, that's one of them. The white knight type that promises to kiss all the pains away and take care of things...but oh, the fine print exclusions say nothing that involves THEM unless i'm willing to subject myself to more heartache.

I read his email while i was on a super important conference call trying to learn a new product that has a very tight deadline (in 2 weeks), the instant i read his reply i just stared at the screen...my eyes welling up...couldn't even take notes anymore on the conference call.

The problem with telling people you had an abortion is that there's a tremendous amount of vulnerability you are putting in their hands. And maybe it's not their fault, it's not like they have a ton of experience with this type of thing. To me, it feels like someone close to me in my family died. I'm in a fog, in disbelief, i don't even know if it's hit me that this has happened.

Sometimes I feel numb, othertimes i feel like i'm a rush for something...like right now. My heart is POUNDING. I feel this incredible sense of dread and doom.

Trying so hard not to have a meltdown at work today. I feel like i'm gonna be sick.

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3:50 pm

GOD is it any wonder I firmly believe he loves me but doesn't actually like me.

Anyway, this blog isn't about the relationships with either potential baby daddies.

it's about the abortion, which wtf today is REALLY fucking with my head. I thought i was maybe on the up and up yesterday. Turns out, not so much. I feel like an emotional basket case, trying desperately not to let the tears that are welling up in my eyes not spill out over my face, a coworker came in and i had to not blink once in order to make sure those tears didn't pour out.

4:39 pm

Okay really...i'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I don't know why this feeling of pending doom and anxiety is overtaking me, to this extreme.

Going to attempt to bawl all i can before Joey comes home, since i told him we could do dinner and if i seem distant, we'll have a problem.

I feel like a puppet to everyone right now.

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6:40pm

I didn't get a chance to call the local support group for this stuff, I was IMing Chandler for an hour and then they closed. Maybe it's too soon to go to a support group for this type of thing? I just want to be proactive in getting over this. I don't know if that's pushing too hard to get through this OR is it good to try and take care of this relatively early on.

I want this dark cloud that follows me to go away. The burden of this guilt is incredible. And it's guilt for something that i CHOSE, and sadly i know it was the right decision, so why do i feel so damn sh*tty about it?

Those phantom pains...it's so odd.

I had a biological clock before...now it's on overdrive. I have this incredible yearning to hold a baby right now.

I made the mistake of looking at my "perfect" friend's family portraits online...she's gorgeous, her husband's pretty good looking (well, he's not aging well...he was hot in highschool), their absolutely stunning daughter...the yearning to have that almost ripped my heart apart today.