14 Days Later - follow up apt

9:00am

Mother effing morning.

I couldn't find my key fob rushingi nto work for an 8am meeting, had to get a temp one, then when i got in my office i found mine, then jetted to grab a sub and left both at my desk.

Talked it out with Chandler last night. Damn if he and I aren't extremes...when it's good, it's mind blowingly awesome...when it's bad, we're world war 3.

My follow-up is today, i know for sure i have to do a pregnancy test but I don'tk now what else is part of it, like a pap?

I had to remember to shave my legs/bikini area today...i haven't done that in 2 weeks. Note to self, buy new razors.

I also inspected myself...all physical signs are gone. The marks from the cardio sticker doodads on my chest, the rhogam injection site, both spots on my arms where blood was taken or the IV went in, and most of all the back of my hand (it's a little bit darker than my other hand, but only if i stare hard enough. it will always look different now to me).

It's funny how to they go over so much physical post-op stuff with you, they never told me anything about counseling or anything else. No one told me it would be THIS bad. I always thought girls who were forced or coerced into it were the ones that felt bad. I never thought that simply it not being an option was bad enough, especially when you're in your 30s and you DO want kids...

And it's your first pregnancy...Maybe when you already have kids, and you're already a mom, that's one thing and other issues i suppose...but to never have been a mom but for 5 weeks...i was a mother...i had effing life inside of me...i had something that would have been half of me and someone i love (uh who exactly i don't know) and they would have ran around and been a little Mini Me...that's pretty mind-blowing.

If i think too much about how i was a mother, even temporary, i go berserk.

Yesterday was definitely a bad day in the emotional department. Really bad. I'm hoping today maybe it will be better. Everything still feels so fake. This weekend's big halloween party...everyone's all excited about it, it's our friend's yearly bash...but inside I DONT CARE. I have a bunch of costumes to pick from, everyone keeps asking me, and deep down i'm like "whatever fits this fat gut because of all the eating you've done".

So i ateduring the pregnancy 'cause i was crazy starving, then i dropped a bit...now i've gained purely from eating out of depression (as she bites into her footlong buffalo chicken ranch sub).

I have a ton of crap due at noon for a coworker, at least i'll have a distraction till my appointment this afternoon.
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12:45pm

I feel like a little baby who's doing a big girl task. I don't WANNA go to the follow-up!

Really, I'm pretty sure in "real" life i seem relatively competent. Inside though, it seems like i'm always struggling to catch up. My mental to-do list is never ending.

Chandler was sweet and offered to go with me today, which i hope it's not a bad thing that i asked him in the end to come...i normally do this crap alone (hell, i REALLY wanted to drive myself to/from there, stupid rules...), but i'm afraid of having a massive breakdown and if he's there, the breakdown will be kept to a minimum.

Leaving now.