16 Days Later - still have issues

1:30pm

Today i've had cramps...not horribly bad, but not light either.

Last night, halloween party, trying to smile and act fun, when deep down: no, i'm not fun. I'm not me. I did something really bad. Not just the abortion, the secrets that i've had for over a year now. Not being able to reconcile the stuff in my head and heart vs. my real life. Having this second life of sorts, which i did growing up and it took its toll on me...and now, that way again.

Came home around 1, was EXHAUSTED. Joey wanted to get his mack on, despite my rushing to change into sweats, glasss, etc...i brushed him off...then this morning i had this horrible guilt, the last time we did ANYTHING (including kissing) was the time that i possibly conceived in September. it's November now. If i'm gonna make a true effort to feel like i made an effort, that includes wifely duties liking making my husband not feel like he's in the friend bucket.

I'm not going ot go into details of anything other than: during an act that may or may not have happened, i started crying midway. Now i've cried during intimate moments with the odd guy (well...3...and most of the times was with Chandler, but that's also 'cause of the emotional connection that we had and i guess i'm psychotic and cried, but it was towards the end when it was over)...but this was different. This was sheer misery. Thinking about the abortion, about how i desperately want a child but i avoid sex with him like the plague. That i wait just long enough in between that when we do, i forget how sh*tty it is.

Thing is, Joey dind't have his contacts in and he's blind as a bat. Plus when you're hair is all over hte place, and you can sort of turn the crying into other sounds...I wish I could explain what i felt at that moment. Sort of like a feeling of....extreme absolute misery with no end in sight.

what have i done with my life?

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4:05pm

The answer to all depression: sleeping. I could sleep forever these days. Before i was tired because I was pregnant...it was a different kind of tired. Like i just never got enough sleep. This kind of tired is different...this is old skool depression, lethargy, disinterest in life.

ugh.

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5:22pm

Sundays depress me after 12:00pm. Because I know that i have to get ready for work, what with all the work I haven't done in ages. Stuff that i should have done months ago but was dealing with Chandler drama, my own personal depression, then October 4th: the pregnancy...it's one thing to scrape by with work it's another when you're flat out sinking. I...am sinking. I meant to do a ton of stuff today but the VPN is super slow, and i can't think. I straight up CAN'T THINK.

For 5 weeks, my life had meaning. Not the meaning I wanted...but it had meaning. Well i shoudln't even say not the one i wanted...i just....wish I had known who i would have shared that meaning with.