19 Days Later - So, so depressed

1:37 am

I'm def calling in sick tomorrow. My brain can't function, and I'll get more work done just vegging out at home alone.

I sort of feel bad for bitching about men yesterday. On one hand, Joey just wants to have his normal bitchy wife back. On the other, you have Chandler who so badly wants to help me get through this.

I've been wondering about what constitutes the perfect father, perfect partner. Here's the gist of what I want, in a perfect utopia world, as a baby daddy:

1. Definitely need a man's man. The type who'll fix crap. I don't want ot worry about working the cordless drill with a baby in my arm.

2. Someone who has a strong need to protect his family. that's not just sitting out with a shotgun, but that does include keeping one ear peeled for noices in the middle of the night. That also means being somewhat financially stable...I don't think guys understnad this, but women aren't gold diggers for the sake of the jewelry all the time. It's that if you lose your job, you get another one. We lose a job while pregnant, we're f*cked. you don't get FMLA until you've been at a company for 1 year (i.e. you can only get p regnant after 3 months of being at a job) let alone trying to interview when you're visibly showing. Making sure we don't have to worry about that is part of the protection.

3. A willingness to put aside personal "fun" for the sake of the family. I'm all for making sur eyou don't lose your identity, but going out on Saturday nights every weekend isn't an option after having a kid. Getting to buy all the frivolous fun stuff isn't an option. It's a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the family, because giving up buying X toy creates a more important gain.

4. An understanding of the importance of family. Lord knows, I can't stand my family. But I grew up with a ton of cousins/aunts/uncles, and that's important. Very important. I don't want kids to be selfish and only think of themselves. There's a lot about obligation and loyalty that is to be learned through family. And respect for elders. And knowing your roots. While my mother drives me up the wall, it is so, so important for my kids to know her and her heritage (even though i don't know it).

5. An understanding about religion. I'm not religious, but i'd like to become more religious. And while I don't need the person to convert for me, I need someone who is supportive of my desire to learn more about my own, and to not mock that to our children.

6. Listen, i don't want to sound shallow here...but damn I'd love to be with a guy who I still want to bone after having kids. I have a friend who her and her husband are crazy horny for each other despite having mortgage stuff, job stuff, 3 kids, etc. They get a moment alone, they go nuts.

7. Simply put: a desire to be the master of his domain. I suppose it's like item 1, but it's more of a personality thing. This is your home...you fix what's broken, it's not all on me. You take care of things. You take responsibility for it and its inhabitants.

8. Sigh...i want him to be one of my best friends.

9. Just being in sync in life. Right now...i'm SO not in sync at all with Joey. We haven't been for years. his long distance jobs, difference in things we find enjoyable...

10. Sigh. I just want to feel like i'm on the same page iwth someone.

At this point in my life I feel like i'm becoming more and more like the girly girl types that i've loathed. Weak girls. ANd now...i'm complete mush. I hate who I've become. I feel like after this the type of person I need is different...I need someone to fiercely protect me because I don't know how I'm ever going to get the tough wall up, the one that took over 30 years to perfect.

Iwant someone who will help me, and i'll help them, not feel like each day is just...another day. I can't help thinking about my wedding day with my friend's coming up this weekend. I think of how that was the happiest day of my life. And never did my 25-year-old self ever dream that over 6 years of marriage later, I would be seeking the comfort of someone else, and having an abortion.

GOD why can't I stop crying.

I was so damn hardworking 15 years ago. I had it all figured out. Everything was going to be on the up and up.

I want a mulligan on life. I want a do-over so damn bad.

I never thought having an abortion would hurt like this. I never ever would have guessed. I always thought it was no big deal. Damn Rachel, i'm so so sorry i wasn't there for you more...this is horrific.

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5pm

My brain is so useless today. It's everywhere. Thoughts of Chandler (damn that boy is like a drug...i wish we were in an alternate universe), thoughts of Joey (why am i so unhappy despite having a wonderful husband), thoughts of baby stuff, thoguhts of work, thoughts of the surgery...

It changes you. Having an abortion changes you, no matter how nonchalant you are, cynical you are, or pro-choice.

It changes you.

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9:45 pm

I don't want to fall back into the same cycle. Of trying to work on things with Joey while still being in love (yes, love...i've been with Chandler for the same amount of time I was with Joey when he proposed) with another guy, but remaining in a state of limbo because well...it's status quo. I get happy with Chandler, so I don't "see" any flaws in my marriage because i'm too busy thinking about Chandler. But then, so much pressure is put on Chandler to be everything and then some, so that if he even fails by a bit, I immediately think "oh! better just stay with the safe option of Joey...."

It's horrible. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I keep wishing for some perfect scenario that involves changing time, or re-arranging the way things are now.

I spent a good chunk of tonight trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. If i begged my parents to help me with tuition to go back to school. Um yeah well t hat's not gonna happen with my old GPA from college.

This whole thing had me thinking about life with a baby with Joey (well, obviously, he's my husband) and life with a baby with Chandler. With Joey, it would be financial security as well as not rocking the boat of our life. But I'm sure i'm the one who would be responsible for everything, and he would be so so lazy about things around the house. i remember arguing with him about whether you can put a car seat in the front seat (uh no, it's against the law). Then with Chandler, it would be a total partnership in raising a child...I have no doubt that he would get up early if he felt I needed sleep, he would help clean...hell he'd be more than okay with me taking any opportunity to nap the instant he came home from work. But that would shake up my entire existence, and truthfully i get scared about being the main breadwinner (i'd make him go back to school). But then...I can't imagine NEEDING the same things with Chandler that I do with Joey. Really, my lifestyle with Joey is more expensive because for me to be happy I have DO stuff that involves cash. Or worst case, watching DVDs courtesy of netflix because i just don't have anything to say to him. whereas with Chandler, all it takes is a bottle of wine and we're chatting all night. I told him how I feel like he's the type of guy where we could do something stupid like get up on weekends and make silly challenges for garage sales, like find something green and gold under a buck...and it would be hilarious. Plus he actually takes such an interest in my life...he knows everythinga bout my friends and relatives that Joey doesn't even know, i don't think Joey even knows how many aunts and uncles I have.

On paper, I make it sound like Chandler is the obvious choice. But it shouldn't BE a choice. I am extremely against leaving one person for another. The question is, if Chandler got hit by a bus or didn't exist...would I stay with Joey? Just keeping the situation within the marriage...how do I perceive things? Which is hard to answer when my brain is on Chandler when i'm home and should be focusing on my marriage. that guy has consumed my mind since the day i met him.

Sigh. I just want a fucking family. I want to find meaning in my life. I feel like the biggest waste of space.

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11:30 pm

Oh I forgot to mention that Joey came home with a dozen gorgeous roses. My guilt is through the moon. I get an abortion because I don't know who the father is, and in return I get effing roses.

I am the biggest asshole alive.